I so wish that I was writing a different blog post but here we are.
I had a pretty strong feeling that this transfer didn’t work, last week while we were camping. I had been taking home pregnancy tests every day since day 5 after the transfer.
All the tests were coming back negative, not even a faint line was showing up.
I went in to the doctor yesterday morning, 14 days after transfer, to do some bloodwork so they could measure the exact amount of HCG in my body.
I got the call at 2:30pm yesterday that my HCG was less than 5, which is a negative in the pregnancy world.
To say that we are devastated is an understatement. It feels like we are just walking down this road that doesn’t have an end in sight.
I keep telling myself that this HAS to be God’s plan. Why would he put us through all this if there isn’t a light at the end?
I’ll get back up again and keep trying because that’s what I do.
I wouldn’t even be able to get back up again and keep trying if it wasn’t for the support of my husband. Eric, I will continue to walk with you down this road and any other road for that matter because I know that if I’m holding your hand along the way, everything will be ok. I love you.
Wow. The last month has been a whirlwind for me. It has taken me a month to sit down and force myself to write this post.
I feel like I have gone through so many life changes in such a short amount of time. I have been trying so hard to take it day by day but some days I find that the sadness of it all catches up to me. I know that sounds so depressing but when I started this blog I told myself I wanted to be honest. I didn’t want this to be a “highlight reel”.
Let’s start with my career.
There were lots of changes happening at my company due to the Oil and Gas climate. I got laid off on July 20th.
Most people would take that as a major financial and emotional hit to their family but Eric and I looked at it as a new opportunity for me. I am now able to stay at home with Brynn and soak up all the time with her and keep the house running!
This was one of our big goals as a family for a long time so we honestly couldn’t be happier with the situation!
The day after I got laid off, I had the miscarriage at home. It started at about 11:30am and ended around 3:30pm.
I had never gone through one before so I didn’t know what to expect. It was graphic and traumatic for me AND Eric. I’m just so glad I have Eric as my partner in life because he was there for me through it all. I wish someone would have warned me because it’s the closest thing to childbirth that I have come to. Brynn was a c-section baby so I never felt any contractions or anything like that with her.
In the last 3 weeks I have gone to the doctor 3 times to do hcg blood draws to confirm that my hcg was decreasing to less than 5.
I’m finally hcg free and just taking this month off basically. We have to wait for my period to start and then I can call my doctor to start the next steps.
The big question I have been getting is, What’s Next?
The answer to that is, my doctor wants us to do what is called an ERA test. An Endometrial Receptivity Array. It’s basically a mock transfer cycle. I will be taking all the stimulation injections and meds just like I did for my last transfer, except on my transfer day instead of transferring an embryo, he will be taking a biopsy of my lining.
This test will tell me if we transferred too early, too late or on the correct day. Nonetheless, it was a hard decision to make because that will be pushing back any chance of baby for another month. It will definitely give us some answers as to why my transfer didn’t work and what we can do to fix it in the future.
Mentally, it’s been a rough month for me. I think a lot of it has to do with stopping all the hormones cold turkey and then having to go through that miscarriage. BUT I keep telling myself it’s all going to work out in the way God wants it to be.
I’m going to do better about writing posts on here in the future. It’s almost like therapy for me to just get my thoughts out on the Internet. I feel better after lol.
Thank you again to every single person that has reached out to us the past few weeks. We can only go up from here right? 🙂
Another update soon.
Xo, Jess
I like to believe that’s our baby boy shining down on us in the top right corner <3
I keep staring at the cursor blinking on my screen trying to find the words to type.
We knew this was going to a be a long journey when we started it. Whenever I envisioned our IVF process I just thought that “it would just work”. Honestly, I never thought I would have to prepare myself for this. But, here we are.
Our ultrasound this morning didn’t go as we had planned it. The ultrasound still showed an empty sac that is measuring only 5.5 weeks along, even though we are at 8 weeks 5 days.
Doctor instructed me to stop taking all meds and to expect a miscarriage in the next week and a half. If I don’t have a period by then, we talk about a D&C.
To say that we are devastated is an understatement. I find comfort in knowing that our baby boy will get the chance to meet my Gma, Papa, Eric’s Aunt Sandy and Papaw up there in Heaven.
Thank you to everyone that has prayed for us and has been with us throughout this journey. We will take some time to grieve but we will get back up stronger than ever before.
For now, we will hug and kiss our beautiful girl and thank God everyday for blessing us with her.
To our baby boy, Mommy and Daddy love you so much and can’t wait to meet you one day. Until then, we know you are in good hands.
